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#1 Erk

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Posted 29 March 2007 - 01:50 AM

(A bulletin is posted outside the West Gate of Rune)

Welcome, brave adventurers and future citizens, to the great and prosperous towne of Rune! Crossroads of Sepharia and nautical gateway to all of greater Alyria!
Our esteemed founder and supreme governance, Lord Agrippa, invites you to enjoy the wondrous bounty of goods, friendly service, and the charming atmosphere so lovingly crafted by the good people of this fair land!

Please note, however, that there are some simple rules of etiquette to be followed during your stay here, and Lord Agrippa wishes you to know that he may have you arrested and/or put to death if you:

:skull: swear in his presence
:skull: swear at his presents
:skull: stare at his mole
:skull: call him

#2 Erk

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Posted 29 March 2007 - 11:30 AM

Addendum [3/30/1442]:

:goblet: Agrippa is offering a bounty of 20 geodefurs for the head of whoever keeps closing the doors in his castle. According to Agrippa, during the warmer monthts, "Tristan gets awful ripe, in all that armor of his," and the place needs to air out.

:skull: Agrippa also notes that anyone who asks, "What's a geodefur?" will be put to death.

:hand: Lord Agrippa proclaimed this morning that any woman who has the name of 'Victoria' that refuses to go out with him will be arrested and confined to his bedroom.

#3 Erk

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Posted 30 March 2007 - 06:45 AM

Addendum [4/3/1442]:

:goblet: Today, Agrippa signed into law a new proclamation stating that English is to be the one and only official language for all Alyria. All manner of creatures, including animated objects, monsterous plants, flesh-eating insects, and livestock must immediately learn the phrases,"(Someone), thou hast rescued me!" and,"Thanks, (Someone)!!"

:ghost: After enduring a number of dreams where he happily assassinates himself, Lord Agrippa has decided to outlaw sleeping in Rune. All Rune citizens, shopkeepers, and castle employees are required to stay awake and active 24/7.

:skull: Ever compassionate for his loyal subjects in Rune, Agrippa announced today that "Bag ladies need love, too!", and that any male caught turning down a proposition from a local bag lady shall be arrested and possibly put to death. Agrippa also hopes this will ease the incredible backlog at the local brothel and help a Ms. Victoria Wurth get over the "headache" she's had for the past 5 nights.

#4 Erk

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Posted 31 March 2007 - 06:16 AM

Revision [4/7/1442]:
:bell: After being forced by his own law to accept a proposal from a local bag lady, and enduring a night he later described as "terrifyingly disturbing", Agrippa has decided to nix the "Bag ladies need love, too!" proclomation.

Addendum [4/7/1442]:
:goblet: Agrippa is looking to employ a local Rune citizen willing to stymie an "immenent plague and environmental disaster" by hosing off the local bag ladies every couple weeks or so. Frequency will depend on stench complaints from local citizenry, and bonus payments based on risk of being bludgeoned to death with a ratty black umbrella.

:goblet: Agrippa is also looking for an animal trainer capable of teaching a rare snow-white South-Avaros wolf to bite any strangers that approach it. Apparently, people keep handing the pet all sorts of garbage, which it then stashes in various places about the castle.
"Yesterday, I found the severed head of one of my castle attendants in my sock drawer!", Agrippa complained,"and that's NOT where we keep the severed heads!"

#5 Erk

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Posted 02 April 2007 - 10:38 AM

Announcement [4/15/1442]:

:frog: Lord Agrippa would like all the fair maidens of Rune to know that the rumors of him siring a handsom, valiant, and rebellious young heir who was afflicted with a horrible curse just as he was managing to escape the castle are all COMPLTETELY false! So, please stop kissing the frogs!

:bell: Agrippa has hired a specialalized mercenary to help with the town's recent frog infestation, and asks that you assist him in any way you can. Also, should you see a small frog with a mottled wolf-shaped marking above its left shoulder, please inform the frog hunter immediately. There is a generous reward available to anyone who assists in eliminating this pest.

Employment [4/15/1442]:

:compass: Agrippa is looking to hire someone who can ferry messages and information back and forth to his chief Consul to the Senate, Swiftmoon.
"He keeps wandering off to explore with random adventurers," Agrippa lamented,"and I need to know which official to toss off Mt. Sumter this week!"

#6 Erk

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Posted 02 April 2007 - 01:22 PM

Royal News [4/16/1442]:

:goblet: Due to increased pressure from local civil-rights organizations, Agrippa has decided to make the unprovoked and random mass-slaughter of Rune inhabitants illegal.

Bored adventurers hungry for "the experience" of mass-homicide must now first register at Town Hall and obtain a permit. Also, noone is to exceed the murder of 20 Rune-locals a day during the off-season, and those who do so may be subject to a 25 gold piece fine and/or a stern talking-to.

When asked to comment on this triumph for peasant-rights, the spokesman for the Alyrian Citizenry's Knights - Helping Everyone Live Peacefully (ACK-HELP) was said to have been "rendered speechless". Unfortunately, before he could find suitable words of gratitude, he was randomly slain by a licensed psychopath.

#7 Erk

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Posted 03 April 2007 - 02:56 AM

Royal News [4/18/1442]:

:angel: Today is the third anniversary of a national day of mourning for Lord Agrippa's favorite plant, Sir Frederick. Agrippa hopes that from this painful loss of his dear, beloved "Freddie" we can all learn a valuable lesson: Never trust a minotaur to do your gardening.

Employment [4/18/1442]:

:ghost: Increased necromantic activity at the Rune Graveyard is stirring up concern in the local government. Agrippa is looking for an adventurer willing to bravely fight through the foul magics and sinister undead to the grave of the powerful court wizard, Whizmodius the II.
"Check to see if his grave has been unearthed and his remains reanimated into a horrible creature of unspeakable power and evil." Agrippa said,"And if he has, please let him know that I want that 500 gold pieces he still owes me."

Addendum [4/18/1442]:

:dude: Fearing painful static-electrical shocks, Lord Agrippa requests that all halflings visiting his Audience Chambers either shave their feet, or stay a minimum 1 meter distance from him.
"They (halflings) only come up to about your waist", explains Agrippa, "and I can't afford any injuries at that height."

#8 Erk

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Posted 03 April 2007 - 01:11 PM

Employment [4/20/1442]:
:goblet: Lord Agrippa has declaired 'open season' on auction imps and is offering a generous bounty for each of their smirking little heads. The sanctioned extermination will continue, Agrippa said,"until they learn to leave the room QUIETLY!!"

Royal Announcement [4/20/1442]:
:bell: Lord Bloodbane is a big, fat doodie-head

Local Announcement [4/20/1442]:
:gpotion: The Mortician at the Rune Morgue is expressing frustration and concern over the state of Rune's deceased lately. "I can barely get them to the corpse preparation rooms before they decay away to nothing!" he complained.
So in order to be sure that you are properly prepared, the Mortician asks that you take the time to come in and get embalmed sometime BEFORE you die. As an added incentive, he's offering family discounts through the end of April!

#9 Tritochest

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Posted 03 April 2007 - 06:56 PM

Addendum [4/21/1442]
The troublemaker who kept posting frivolous announcements and addenda has been sacked.

Supplementary Addendum [4/21/1442]
The troublemaker who posted the 4/21/1442 addendum has also been sacked. Move along.

#10 Erk

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Posted 08 April 2007 - 03:50 PM

Royal News [5/9/1442]:

:sheep: A mass-exodus of Rune was barely contained last week after panic erupted from Lord Agrippa being sacked for making frivolous announcements. Thus having the horrifyingly unfortunate effect of leaving him with too much time on his hands.
Wide-spread terror befell Rune as confusion reigned and darkness fell upon it. Screams pierced the air and buildings shook from multiple tremors. "This is terrible, just terrible, for this to happen now!" a local shopkeep exclaimed as he ducked an exploding camel. "My mother-in-law just left town yesterday!"
Shortly after Agrippa was spotted lugging an armload of water balloons into the Divine Coven of the Sisters in White, Clingy Garments, an emergency meeting of the town Senate was convened, and it was unanimously decided to put Agrippa back to work.
Once a suitable royal messenger dumb enough to deliver the message was found, Agrippa was torn away from a dripping wet, giggling young druidess and sent sulkily back to the castle. He reportedly is still quite inconsolable, but has valiantly resumed sending bored adventurers off to their deaths.
Today, as the town of Rune continues its recovery, things are finally getting back to normal. While the search for the missing royal messenger has been called off, other efforts are going well. The several disturbing and large ice-sculptures of Victoria Wurth's pock-marked hairy behind are starting to melt. All the priceless tomes in the town library which were marred by crayon-marks have been sent off for repairs. And Kasan's Sushi restaraunt is said to be drying off nicely, after being pulled from the ocean.
More help is still needed, however, from anyone with animal skills to help wrangle the near 3000 overly-amorous sheep discovered crammed in the clock tower. Apply at Town Hall if interested. Protective leg-wear is a must!

Addendum [5/9/1442]:

:woman: Lord Agrippa would like visiting adventurers to note that anyone who loudly indicates that a missing person, place, or thing is located "In my pants!!" will be detained and have their pants thorougly searched. Also, please be warned that Dr. Rune has eagerly volunteered to do the searching and has been know to confiscate certain "trophies" to remember the experience by.

Royal News [5/9/1442]:

:goblet: Lord Agrippa cheerfully announced today that he has just been granted by the powers a "better" in quest-delegation, and wishes to celebrate. He asks that any adventurer travelling to Auryn please pass along the following message to Lord Vendredi:
"OMG I pwned joo!@$@ LOLZERZ!@#!!11ONE!!@#!" - (the message has been translated into the peculiar Sigilian dialect so Vendredi can understand)

#11 Erk

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Posted 09 April 2007 - 05:15 PM

Royal News [5/13/1442]:

:bbook: Eager to test one of Balthazar's theories on something called "constant acceleration due to force of gravity", Lord Agrippa is asking for a volunteer gnome and a volunteer ogre to meet him at the summit of Mt. Sumter later this afternoon for a demonstration. Interested spectaters are requested to wait at the base of Mt. Sumter.

Exorcist wanted [5/13/1442]:

:ghost: Lord Agrippa sees dead people. And apparently, they're quite annoying.
"They're always drifting in and going,'Hi Agrippa, I'm like, dead! blah blah blah and it's your fault! and blah blah blah..'", bemoaned Agrippa.
It's really akward, he said, when such exchanges occur while he's holding audience with foreign dignitaries and prospective adventurers. "Especially when they're foreign dignitaries and prospective adventurers I'm planning to have killed." he mused.
"I'm hoping that they can be sent away to somewhere more appropriate for the dead and the lifeless, like Tellerium or something." Agrippa said, "That, or contain them in a (soundproofed) vial so we can use them for reagents later, or maybe as the seasoning for Tuvo's special 'Possession Confection'. We could always use more of those".
Interested parties are to apply at Rune Castle. Must like sheep.

Royal Announcement [5/13/1442]:

:bell: Lord Bloodbane is still a big doodie-head and his "naval armada" couldn't seize a desert island from a pack of monkies

#12 Primus

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Posted 11 April 2007 - 03:20 AM

I can definately report having seen Bloodbane's mighty armada, having been at Irda Isle recently. They set sail in the direction of Rune, crashed into the reef, and promptly sunk with all hands.

Faren wanted me to tell you that, while certainly disasterous, that he finds the humour in the situation. He also muses out loud about how Rune villagers could defeat the mighty Felix Legion in battle.

#13 Erk

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Posted 11 April 2007 - 03:57 AM

Royal Announcement [5/19/1442]:

:bbook: Results of Agrippa's "constant acceleration" experiment last Saturday failed to match Balthazaar's theory that both the ogre and the gnome would arrive at the base of Mt. Sumter at the same time.
"When I informed them that the first one to the bottom gets to live," said Agrippa,"the ogre still took much longer to get to the bottom, and was only able to remark on the size of the crater a gnome makes before my guards killed him for losing."
Although the results failed to corroborate Balthazaar's theory, Agrippa proclaimed the experiment a success. "You see," he said,"Victoria really goes for those smarty bookish-types, and upon hearing I was conducting a bonafide science experiment she.. well.. she invited me over tonight for a special 'tutoring' session!" He winked.

Royal News [5/19/1442]:

:house: A quarterly Town Meeting was held last night where citizens gather to discuss and listen to important issues of governance with Lord Agrippa.
Agrippa began his turn by unveiling his new economic stimulus plan, to help with the sagging local commerce.
"The plan is, we take all the gold collected in taxes, gather it up, and place it in a lockbox." Agrippa explained,"Namely, the one under my name at Rune First National."
When asked how such an action would help commerce, Agrippa looked at his citizens the way a caring mother would look at her stupid, stupid child.
"I'll try to explain this simply," he smiled,"You see, although I'll have all the gold, I'll still need to spend it. I'll need to purchase luxury items like porn and pay for necessities like my staff wages. Then members of my staff will take their generous wages and use it to feed their families once or twice a week. Then, the food vendors will take their profits from that and buy porn.. You see, eventually everybody benefits. If they like porn. I call it my 'Dribble Down' theory, because it reminds me of the way a small crack in a huge dam dribbles down to the parched forest below."
When a citizen remarked that he'd heard of Dribble Down theory before and stated,"I don't think that's what it is", Agrippa stomped his foot angrily and demanded the citizen define his meaning of the word 'is'.
"Read my lips.." Agrippa said,"I am not a crook! I did NOT even have sexual relations with that woman!", and he pointed at random women in the audience. Then he winked and made a little "write me!" gesture at her.
Then, Agrippa suddenly shouted,"YeeHAAA!@#", and shot Sir Tristan in the face with a crossbow. And then his turn was over.
Said one Rune official later,"All in all, it was one of the better town meetings. Agrippa really shined out there tonight, speaking relatively."
Agrippa, however, claimed that it was possibly the worst 3 minutes he'd ever endured. He thusly awarded himself 3 purple marks for valor, and plans to refer to them whenever anybody questions his allegience to the great kingdom of Rune.

#14 Erk

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Posted 12 April 2007 - 04:41 PM

Skilled Priest Wanted [5/25/1442]:

:angel: Lord Agrippa is looking for a skilled priest to ressurect his recently slain knight, Sir Mortimur. The newly-hired knight had been working as the royal treasury guard when an intruder broke in and killed him, making off with some of Agrippa's wealth.
"He TOLD me that he was protected by the Powers when I hired him!", complained Agrippa,"I even agreed to pay him EXTRA for that!" He groaned,"I need someone to bring him back to life so that I can kill him."

Royal News [5/25/1442]:

:devil: A delegation of officials from Tellerium is scheduled to dock at Rune tomorrow, and Agrippa, known for his distrust and contempt for minotaurs, has surprised many by announcing a welcoming feast to honor their arrival.
Preparations underway, Agrippa announced that all citizens of Rune are invited, as there should be plenty of food for everyone.
Adventurers are also asked to come forward to help with some last-minute details. Said Agrippa,"It's vitally important that I locate 50 gallons of bar-be-que sauce by tomorrow!"

Please deliver by [5/26/1442]:
(a letter is tacked to the bulletin board with the instructions: Travellers to Xavantry, please deliver this letter to Lady Undya, payment upon receipt.)
Contents:

My dearest Undya,

First off, please pay the kind deliver of this letter
in that 'special way' that only you can. I'll be happy
to repay you with interest on your next visit to Rune.

Secondly, could you please speak to the ogre in your
town known as 'Fatlegs' about his throwing trajectory
with smaller adventurers? A gnome was flung against my
castle's western tower for the second time this week,
and it is quite difficult to clean all those scattered
turnips off the roof.

Thank you, m'lady, and as always, may the Powers watch
over you
-Cornelius Agrippa

p.s.- You were right about standing around all day
instead of sitting. It DOES make it longer!

#15 Erk

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Posted 13 April 2007 - 02:54 PM

Royal Announcement [5/29/1442]:

:bell: Lord Agrippa proudly announced today that he is feeling quite fulfilled after having a most satisfying b.m.
"I was worried that there was going to be lots of straining, since I eat so much fiber," he said,"but once I got started, everything proceeded as smooth as silk!"
Indeed it was a very productive day all around, as an expeditious irrigation of his nostrils with his finger produced a healthy yield, and he was able to knock a big chunk of orange gooey stuff from one of his ears. "I'm not sure WHAT the heck that stuff was, but I sure am hearing better now!", enthused Agrippa.
As for the eliminants, Agrippa said they were "a good texture, healthy smell, nice color.. but I don't want to describe it too much, because it'll be featured with illustrations in my upcoming autobiography!"
The book Agrippa spoke of is his self-titled,'Agrippa's Colon and its Fascinating Impact on World Affairs', which is due to hit bookstores this fall.
"I think it'll be a best seller," bragged Agrippa, "people will buy anything when it's about a celebrity."

Royal News [5/29/1442]:

:goblet: Agrippa was pleased to host today a visit from his personal friend, the esteemed elvin leader of New Rigel, Lord Vashir. The two of them could be seen touring the citadel and visiting local shopkeepers, stopping to speak with admirers and normal, every-day citizens.
At the end of the visit as Vashir was preparing to leave, he mentioned hearing of an earlier fiasco involving a minotaur delegation, and expressed concern that Agrippa was not practicing racial tolerance.
This angered Agrippa, who declared himself to be "possibly the most just and fair ruler in all Alyria", and dismissed the story as "ugly, politicized rumors" being spread by jealous rivals who were in themselves, bigots.
Seeing he'd offended his long-time friend, Lord Vashir immediately apologized for the offense and expressed his desire to make amends.
"Good!", Agrippa said relaxing,"How about taking your arse back to the Keebler Tree and baking me some cookies?"

#16 Erk

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Posted 21 April 2007 - 02:28 PM

Announcement [6/30/1442]:

:card: Citizens of Rune are reminded that tomorrow is 'Strange Wednesday', the day that Balthazar recieves a strange visitor from a strange realm and gambles the strange currency he has collected in a strange game of poker.
It is suggested that folks close theirselves up in their homes or leave town for the afternoon, as the strange magics employed in the game tend to drift freely about and cause changes that are, well, rather strange.
Those who witnessed previous occurences recount some strange details: The town clock tower, shortly before striking four, was turned into 'a crazy old lady swinging her purse'.. The castle guard's heavily-used, filthy chamberpot turned into 'a fountain engraved in silver runes'.. Sir Tristan's favorite leather saddle, which he'd just slung over his horse, mysteriously turned into 'another dead hooker' (or so he claims).. and Agrippa himself even suffered an unpleasant surprise, when a snarling beaver he was sharing a room with at Victoria's suddenly turned into a 'determined woodpecker'.
"Since that day, my business went downhill and hasn't recovered a bit," said +-+-[Throgblargh's Smelly Dungpile ]-+-+, formerly the town's butcher,"tomorrow if some crazy old lady hits you with her handbag three times, that's a sign you need to be makin a run for the gate!"
Local drunkard Banath, rumored to formerly have been Victoria Wurth's favorite brassier of power, agrees."My existansh ish shooo depresshing now," he sniffed,"the world ish shhho hard and shhhhho cold.. *sniff* shhhhho cold.."

#17 Erk

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Posted 23 April 2007 - 05:09 PM

Announcement [7/7/1442]:

:ghost: In response to an increase in lion attacks on people travelling the roads outside Rune, Lord Agrippa is planning to rent out official Rune city guards to act as escorts for the more affluent travellers.
While much skepticism has been expressed as to the abilities of the notoriously inept Rune guards to function as proper escorts, Agrippa assures that they will fulfill their purpose more than adequately.
"You see," Agrippa winked,"I've selected only the most plump and out-of-shape guards, and issued them armor with bits of beef jerky hidden in it." He smiled conspiritorally,"So if a lion attacks, you need only to run faster than the guard! Your safety is assured!"

Local Announcement [7/7/1442]:

:dude: Kasan and Flam, proprietors of Rune's most popular restaraunts, have taken up posts near the city's central fountains to advise folks on the detrimental long-term health effects of living solely on enchanted water day after day. They plan to frequent the locations so they can identify those who are most at-risk and council them personally.
"You need to come in and have a proper, solid meal at least once a day," explained Kasan the sushi chef,"failure to do so could cause all sorts of health problems, like your head being sliced off by a katana."

#18 Erk

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Posted 26 April 2007 - 05:57 PM

Announcement [7/19/1442]:

:compass: Lord Agrippa announced that he will be away on safari for a few days, after hearing from adventurers about the "boobies gone wild!" in Hellbent.
In his absence, the duty of quest-management will be filled by Jambalaya Jake. Foolishly determined questers can expect to be sent cursed, blinded, and transgendered to the most disgusting corners of Alyria in search of bizarre gumbo ingredients.
It is strongly advised, however, that all adventurers refuse to help Jake complete his "Gumbo recipe #49", as the last batch came to life and devoured Rune's entire middle class (before Agrippa's new tax laws could)

#19 Erk

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Posted 29 April 2007 - 12:34 PM

Hero wanted [7/30/1442]:

:dude: The towne of Rune was once again thrown into upheaval today as Agrippa happened to lament that he could really go for a good ham sandwich. "What I wouldn't give.." he was quoted as saying.

Almost immediately, favor-seeking adventurers were falling over each other trying to scramble out the door and cash in on this most noble quest. Out on the streets, panic ensued as dozens of patrons exiting the local bakery were slain and searched, herds of pigs were 'liberated' from the livestock market, and the mayor's house was ransacked and burned in the search for a quality jar of mustard. The carnage continued on outside the East Gate as a full-scale adventurer war commenced over a sprig of parsley, and to the north, assassins had slipped into the market crowds of New Rigel to begin stalking the pickle merchant.

In the end, countless lives had been destroyed and devastation had been so widespread that the towns may take years to recover.

"Sheesh, guys.. You coulda just asked Kirra to make me one," admonished Agrippa,"that's why I hired her as chef, ya know."

Meanwhile the search is still on for someone brave enough to vanquish the rogue dragon that decided to nest in southern Rune. It has burned down yet another orphanage, devouring many of the adorably cute children and callously sat on a group of kindly old ladies enjoying tea in the afternoon at the pond.

"I've been trying to find a worthy adventurer brave enough to take care of it," complained Agrippa,"but they just sit there in my audience chamber lolly-gagging, saying that such a duty is beneath them and not worth the rewards."

So if you are a brave dragon-slayer who might be interested in accepting this contract, please contact Lord Agrippa in Rune castle. "I'm willing to negotiate," Agrippa sighed defeatedly.

#20 Erk

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Posted 09 May 2007 - 04:52 AM

Announcements [9/7/1442]:

:skull: The esteemed Lord Cornelius Agrippa wishes it known that only a very select few aristocrats are on a first-name basis with him, and regardless of how much "street-cred" an adventurer has, referring to him as, "My homie, Corn-dawg", will most certainly invite a very painful death.

:bomb: With the help of Ganuk's invention, Balthazar's ingenuity, an enormous focusing crystal, a vial of flame sauce and a mongoose pelt, Agrippa has successfully built a doomsday-device capable of drilling to the core of Alyria and imploding the world, destroying everything.
This device he maliciously intends to use unless all the royal leaders and wealthy landowners of Alyria pool their rich treasuries and pay his ransom of,"..one MILLION gold pieces!! MuhahahahAHAHA!#!@#"

:bell: Anyone who jokingly suggests to Lord Agrippa that he "get a-grippa", will be joining the court jester for the next month in bag-lady delousing duties.

#21 Basstian

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Posted 02 June 2007 - 11:49 AM

I carried this here from the Lowangen Mime.
Not sure what it means but due to the fact he spelled Aggripa like a bad disco song.
Seemed to be a warning of some type
I am certian he wanted it posted here

:boohoo:

:wall: :sick: :woman: :love: :love: :love: :arrow:

:clap: :doh: :arrow: :skull:

:naughty: :naughty:

:think:

:wall: :sick: :woman: :love: :love: :love: :arrow:

:clap: :arrow: :rpotion: :ypotion: :bpotion: :clock: :arrow:

:mrgreen: :clock: :arrow: :freaked:

:woman: :clap: :oops: :arrow: :hand: :arrow: :skull: :arrow:

:bomb: :flame: :woman: :house:



:yy: :love:
:masks:

#22 Keegan

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Posted 14 June 2007 - 10:42 AM

(From Basstian):
I carried this here from the Lowangen Mime.
Not sure what it means but due to the fact he spelled Aggripa like a bad disco song.
Seemed to be a warning of some type
I am certian he wanted it posted here

:boohoo:

:wall: :sick: :woman: :love: :love: :love: :arrow:

:clap: :doh: :arrow: :skull:

:naughty: :naughty:

:think:

:wall: :sick: :woman: :love: :love: :love: :arrow:

:clap: :arrow: :rpotion: :ypotion: :bpotion: :clock: :arrow:

:mrgreen: :clock: :arrow: :freaked:

:woman: :clap: :oops: :arrow: :hand: :arrow: :skull: :arrow:

:bomb: :flame: :woman: :house:



:yy: :love:
:masks:



Damn you........ I was trying to keep my Lowangenness a secret! Now everyone knows that I'm THE mime. :oops:

#23 Tenchi

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Posted 27 June 2007 - 12:37 AM

Several large leaves of paper seem to have been affixed to the base of the bulletin board currently adorning the Western Gate of Rune. They read as follows:

:freaked: All Ogre Bards found to be practicing their craft within the city confines will be put to the sword - repeatedly if necessary.

:cball: Lord Agrippa will no longer be tolerating the use of Televiewing on the part of bored adventurers to spy on the defenceless citizens of Rune. This is, of course, unless they are willing to share.

There seems to be a hastily scrawled amendment in Agrippa's own handwriting attached to the base of this parchment:

- :evil: Any persons found to be televiewing my royal appartments will be sentenced to immediate imprisonment of indeterminate duration in Rune prison. You will not be issued rope with your complimentary bar of soap.

:bpotion: To any and all individuals currently poisoning the city's magical fountains: please restrict your use of this ability to fountains located outisde of the Castle walls.

:goblet: This month's Halfling tossing champion has been decided on, but, until the remains are identified and the Halflings involved in their murder - now being held in custody - are further questioned the name of the winner will be withheld. This will, of course, in no way impact the 1 week limitation on the winner's right to claim their prize.

:bbook: The construction of the Mage's Laboratorium will resume as soon as new workers can be found to replace the crew accidentally transmuted into ravenous flesh devouring zombies. Please note that the Rune authorities will in no way be held responsible for any mutilations, undue devouring, or loss of pride due to zombie attack.

:aclock: All adventurers who managed to defeat the Chromatic Dragon following Lord Agrippa's drunken challenge have 3 remaining days to come and claim their prize (to be determined upon receipt of proof of the Chromatic Dragon's death - single teeth are acceptable, though the entirety of the head will ensure a larger bounty), if still living. All those who did not succeed will please be so good as to deliver their corpses to the Rune Mortuary for embalming and eventual interment.

:think: Owing to complaints from many of the township's citizens about the volume of the screams of the dying, adventurers will please refrain from slaughtering the underprivileged classes except during normal business hours. Special dispensations may be issued upon request to the weak, the infirm, and Mage classes.

:woman: It has come to Lord Agrippa's attention that there are many free-roaming women of the night in Rune who are currently unquartered and therefore at risk. Any and all able-bodied women of pleasure will kindly report themselves to the Castle Guard so that a census may be taken before Agrippa signs the order to have some of the park space cleared in the city to make way for the soon to be established Mega-Runic-Brothel ™. Bookings will be limited and future patrons are advised to fill in the first come first serviced timetable below quickly.

The timetable attached to the above sheet seems to be full.

:masks: Any and all citizens wishing to attend the premiere performance of the Rune Players Guild's new piece "The Many Many Utterly Astounding, Astonishing and Brilliant Triumphs of Lord Agrippa and the Thoroughly Innumerable Failures, Catastrophes, and Other Cock-Ups of that Inept, Despiccable, Useless and Apathetic Blackguard Lord Maldra" will please be in attendance at 7:30 p.m. sharp next Wednesday. Please note that failure to attend may result in the razing of any land holdings and the seizing of any and all liquid assets.

:hand: Lord Agrippa's new policy toward complaints has now been made thoroughly inclusive. You may now be assured that regardless of your class, health, financial status or age, any complaint, slight, minor reprimand, foible, slur, slander, libel, grimace, or other show of general disapproval (not excluding looking at Lord Agrippa funny) will result in the arrival of an Ariel Nightblade at your front door - or general area of temporary habitation.

:snooty: Lord Agrippa has received the letter sent by the Citizens for Better, Cleaner, Calmer, and Prettier Runic Living (Acronym Pending) in which they outline their proposal for ways in which Rune might be made, safer, cleaner, calmer, etc. Let it be known that he is most displeased with their inference that the city is not safe, clean, calm, etc. and would have made that clear to them when they met with him had their delegation not failed to arrive. The remaining members of the CBCCPRL (Acronym Still Pending) will no doubt be pleased to know that the Runic Guards are currently dredging the river outside of the city.

:love: In light of the apparent inability to establish an ongoing News Outlet or "News Printed on Paper Service" (possibly owing to the many fires occuring in previously insured offices) Lord Agrippa wishes to make it known that his "Classified Personal Advertisement-Type Message" will be displayed below:

-> 8) Rich, Affluent, Amorous man of high rank and exhorbitant influence seeks attractive, amoral :wink: , female companion for prolonged carnal relationship. A preference for skimpy clothing is not mandatory, but preferred.

#24 Calum

Calum

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Posted 17 July 2007 - 05:24 AM

It hadn't taken long before the other QMs realised Cornelius was on to a good thing.

Vashir chimed in:

:bbook: Lord Vashir would like, on every Tuesday, for all the poor people to collect at one end of town, with all the rich people at the other. There will be a competition as to who is able to donate more to Vashir's coffers for his 'plunge with a pirate' swim. Vashir was heard to say that he thought he looked rather dashing in his stripey togs, and that perhaps some of the serving girls should come too. (the feeble old gardener in the corner shakes his head).

:bbook: Lord Vashir would like it if people would please read more books. "Why, we have an excellent library here; many of the finer examples of these can be found nowhere else in the world. ("that's where they got to", someone was heard to mutter).

:bbook: Henceforth, all purloined monies are subject to a strict impost. Dennar will make assessment at the gate for the shakedown, err, new currency controls. Naturally there will be some teething problems.

:bbook: A town motto competition. Vashir was heard to say "ohh, something witty, I don' know .. other people are better at that stuff than I (here placing hand to breast). What about .. "Make every day a New Rigel day ? Something like that. Now what was I doing..."