..and probably save the world!
Posted 10 April 2007 - 07:51 AM
Horseface stood sullenly behind the bar at the Happy Flea Inn, listlessly wiping at the counter and sighing. So bored. It was her family
Posted 15 April 2007 - 01:10 PM
Ned was beside himself, hunched over the bar and sniffling.
"Oh, Bernie!", he pulled a small parchment from his pocket and cried to it,"How could I have lost you? Our time together was so short!!" Pbtbtbtbt!! He blew his nose on a dirty bar towel. Pixie dust smeared from it onto his face, causing his eye to twitch.
Horseface peered over at the parchment. It was a portrait, done by the royal painters of Seelie. Very expensive.. and it was of a rock. Sitting on a royal blue velvet pillow, it was a dull green and white mottled thing, artistically idealized so the gold flecks in it gleamed. He must have some money, she thought, to have something like this done for a rock.
"There, there..", Horseface said consolingly,"How 'bout we ask around the bar? One of the patrons might have seen where your satchel went.."
"You think so?" Ned looked up at her with his eye still weirdly twitching, as if he were winking to denote insincerity,"I would be so very indebted if you helped me find them .. my.. my babies!"
"Yeah, let's go ask." she helped him up from his stool and together they went around the bar. Their search came up empty, however, as most of the patrons were too busy drinking and animatedly discussing Bingo Tournament highlights to see anything unusual. Ned kept getting slapped for winking at people.
"Why don't you ask that guy over there?", a patron pointed to a dwarf in the corner, sitting by himself, "all he's done all day is sit there and watch people."
Horseface looked to where the patron had pointed and frowned. "Oh no!" she murmered, "Not him!"
"What's wrong?", Ned asked, looking over. "Ohhh!", his nose wrinkled,"He's not one of those broody, mysterious, over-serious types is he?"
"Worse!", Horseface said,"He's way insecure, and- well.. you'll see." She groaned. "Let's go talk to him."
The dwarf, trying very hard not to look like he was eavesdropping, and failing badly, whistled to himself and rolled his eyes to the ceiling like he hadn
Posted 15 April 2007 - 01:21 PM
Posted 17 April 2007 - 01:55 AM
"More beer ?"
One turned to the other.
"Sheriously" he said.
"Yeh", said the other.
"Nonono, sherioushly i mean. I mean, sherioushhly like.."
"Yeh", the other shaid.
"Yeh", said the first one.
Some time later, one turned to the other.
"More beer ?"
Horseface's parents were struggling more than usual to make ends meet these days. Some of the giants had taken to drinking in the new village up the road, and the giants were serious drinkers. All in all, things were pretty serious. For this reason, possibly, the whiskey was watered more than usual, on this fine eve. It was probably this which enabled one of the more serious drinkers to turn to the other somewhat later in the evening. Those listening closely (for whatever reason; stock tips, possibly), would have heard the following:
"More beer ?"
"Y ..yeh .. yeh .. nah. Whishhky. Yeh"
Serious lurching to the bar ensued by the less inebriated of the two. The staggering walk he employed as observed by several patrons, one of whom had had the great pleasure to witness one of Agrippa's recent Christmas pageants in Rune Park. The walk reminded him of a scene where one of the characters got his head cut off. He chuckled merrily. Fancying himself sober as a judge, the serious drinker took some umbrage at this, and turned to address his tormentor.
"Were youse .. were youse .. " here words failed him. Standing in thought for several minutes, he managed to entrain things again. "Were youse .. laughing at .. at me just then ?" Putting on his most serious face, the patron assured him, most sincerely not. After several moments this response seemed to penetrate some remaining faculty of thought; he nodded once, at some danger to himself, and once again lurched off. Things were back to normal.
Returning to his companion, he sloshed several whiskeys on to the scarred tabletop. "Shh .. shh .. whishhkey."
Rather later in the evening, he turned to his companion.
"Did youse .. did youse .. she .. shee that ?"
Undeterred, he went on.
"That guy jusht .. jusht .. went out the window."
He looked at the door, and at the rest of the patrons at widely scattered points around the corners of the room, all in various stages of shock and anticipation, most still holding their drinks.
"Sh .. sh .. shtrange."
"Probly shave the world."
Posted 17 April 2007 - 02:33 AM
Note: this comment doesn't count, because it won't probably save the world. Oh, wait- now it will! D'oh! :doh:
Posted 17 April 2007 - 10:10 AM
Probably save the world, they said.
I'd rather be sailing.
Posted 18 April 2007 - 03:40 AM
One of them said to the other "Hey, look out buddy, you almost stepped in a huge pile of dracon doo-doo"
The other says, "Hey I hear that stuff could probably save the world if only someone knew what to do with it."
They peered at the pile warily.
Posted 18 April 2007 - 06:28 PM
She threw a tarp over the messy dwarf remains and sent a letter to the farmer, Erk, to bring his chickens by after close. He lived just down the road and his bloodthirsty little beasts could tear through a person in a matter of minutes. There'd be nothing left when they finished, no bones or even a speck of blood. Only problem was that they sometimes left behind booby-traps in the hopes of another meal.
She threw together some travel supplies and said to Ned,"I'll meet you out front, I need to get my horse from the barn." Then she walked over to the stairs behind the bar and yelled upstairs,"Mommmmmmm! I'm going to New Rigel to find some guy's rocks and probably save the world!"
After a moment, a voice called down,"Okay Horsie! Have your brother watch the bar then, would you dear?", then after another pause,"and bring me back some pork rinds!"
Outside, Ned's steed, Puttputt, glanced with disdain at the feeding trough. Some drunken gnome had been puking until he passed out in a nearby flowerpot, and the wretched sounds had ruined his snack. The food was probably spoiled, anyways. It would be just like his idiot owner to stop at the cheapest, most run-down inn in the entire Callias mountain range.
He grunted and cut loose a giant fart. The other horses hitched at the stile edged away from him, crowding at the end. Puttputt ignored them and flapped his leathery little wings, fanning the stench their way.
He was an odd-looking creature, squat and pudgey, the product of a donkey and a not-so-proud pegasus, and with his wings he could fly like a chicken. The only real use he'd found for them is whapping people upside the head with them if they got too close. He was looked down upon by other pegasus but well cared for by his donkey mother at their ranch. His new owner was the real ass, taking him away from his happy home to go on tedious rock-collecting expeditions. There simply weren't enough low-hanging branches to run under in the mountains.
A row of enthusiastic fleas were working their way up the stile towards him, like a line of ants, and Puttputt began to ponder his next attempt on Ned's life. The front door of the Happy Flea squeaked open, and Ned stepped out.
Posted 26 April 2007 - 08:03 AM
I predict that your writings will someday soon be the object of numerous overly earnest Ph.D. dissertations. In fact, I think it's very possible that your writings will bring people of all cultures, backgrounds, religions, and social classes together, establishing global harmony. Your writing is so good, it could probably save the world!
Posted 26 April 2007 - 04:54 PM
Honestly, I've only got about 20 gold pieces left, as most of my money goes to the 'Probably Save the World Foundation'.
Posted 26 April 2007 - 05:15 PM
(haha..sorry, couldn't resist! )
Posted 30 April 2007 - 01:01 PM
the world probably doesn't deserve saving
Erk and his writing deserves saving
Posted 01 May 2007 - 09:01 AM
Puttputt suspected that he'd soon be lugging numerous bags of rocks across the mountains and hoped he could find a nice cliff to buck Ned off of before he was too weighed down. Maybe if he was quick enough he could get in a good kick as Ned went over the edge. He snorted pleasurably at the thought.
Horseface came around the corner of the inn carrying a saddle and set it on the porch rail. "Almost ready!", she chimed as she disappeared into the barn. Puttputt's eyes widened.
Who was that lovely creature?? He suddenly found himself daydreaming of sunny meadows with gentle summer breezes rustling through cool, tall grass.. and her. Her, who would smile into his eyes, run her hands over his mane, and slowly strip off his saddle. Then she'd mount him deftly as he somehow knew she could, and she'd ride him, ride him long and hard until the sun had waned and he collapsed from exhaustion.
Puttputt's wings slowly rose to a fully erect, open position as he stared at the dark opening leading into the barn. He hadn't even remembered to snap at and bite Ned as he secured the saddlebags to his back. A moment later, this vision of beauty appeared once again in the doorway, but her attention was devoted to the horse that she was leading out. Lucky bastard.
"Come along, Thor!", she cooed as she brought him into the open. Puttput's jaw gaped as she brought out the stallion. He was for the most part nothing special to look at. A spindley, gaunt-looking horse with no special markings. A crooked nose. But looking a little lower, you could see that he had the HUGEST, most ENORMOUS.. hooves you'd ever seen on a horse! They were the nearly the size of dinner plates and made a resounding CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP as he walked. Puttputt had once heard a rumor regarding guys with big feet, but couldn't remember what it was.
"We'll take the path around the peaks so we don't run into any yetis," Horseface said to Ned,"My cousin in New Rigel owns the Soggy Blan..ket..", her voice trailed off as her eyes drifted over Ned's shoulder and onto Puttputt.
"Is this your HORSE??@!", she suddenly squealed in delight,"Oh mahgawd he's so CUTE!! Where did you ever find him?!!", she ran over to throw her arms around Puttputt's neck and hugged him tight. Puttputt's knees wobbled and he blushed. You're not so bad yourself, babe.
Thor's eyes narrowed.
"Actually, he's more of a mule," Ned explained. "There's a donkey ranch in a meadow near Fraou Forest and sometimes a frisky pegasus wanders in and.. well.." Ned nodded towards Puttputt.
Horseface smiled at Puttputt and ruffled his mane. "Well, aren't you just the handsomest little love-child?", she winked.
They continued to finish their preparations and were just about to leave, when they were interrupted by a bellowing voice.
"HOLTH ONTH th-thppttherre!!" It was Chuck, the drunken gnome. He stood there, swaying and eyeing them through bloodshot eyes.
"You!!", he pointed at a tree next to Ned,"Did thyou shay you were *hic!* .. to New Rhigurhth? To pth- pth- probably save the worldthpth?"
"Uhh.." Ned said.
"WELLYOUSHOULDTAKEMEWITHYOU!@#$", the gnome suddenly roared, wobbled, and lurched awkwardly to regain his balance. He slowly straightened again and looked thoughtful, adding,".. *burp!* yhou shhhhould n-never travell wishout a gno- *hic!* ..a gno- *hic!* ..a.." Chuck's eyes suddenly went blank and he collapsed to the ground midsentence, quickly expiring from severe alcohol poisoning.
Ned raised an eyebrow, glancing at Horseface. "Do you think we should we take him with us?"
Horseface looked back and shrugged,"Why not? It's a dangerous world out there. A dead gnome might come in handy."
So, Ned climbed down off of Puttputt and tied Chuck's ankle to his saddle, where he hung upside-down next to the saddlebags. The flies hovering around Puttputt's rear quickly migrated to the gnome, happy to get away from the flicking tail. Ned clambored unceremoniously back onto the mount.
"Okay, let's go!", shouted Horseface, rubbing Thor's ears wistfully and they trotted off toward New Rigel.
Posted 01 May 2007 - 12:59 PM
What was this? Some warrior riding the ugliest pegasus he'd ever laid eyes on, and a woman with a face that could freeze a basilisk were riding along the side of the road, attempting to avoid the muddy, detrius-filled ruts that passed for a path in this pathetic towne. With fully packed saddlebags, they were clearly heading out on some sort of adventure...probably to save the world! If he could just somehow delay them, he needed only a handful of seconds before the cosmic events would align themselves just so, allowing for him to channel the mystic energy needed too....
Now they speed up to a canter...Stop! Fools! he seethed to himself...years of planning....he mustn't reveal his true form or risk the chance of exposing himself to the harmful astral rays that would undoubtedly..
The unnaturally huge hooves of the spindly horse slammed down, shattering both his disguise and his head, and the rider gasped in surprise as her steed stumbled over the trampled corpse which suddenly appeared beneath it.
Posted 27 May 2007 - 04:57 PM
"Holy mother of practice points!!", cried Ned in shock as he stepped around the horses and into view of the mess,"What have you done??"
"It's okay!", Horseface began to explain,"I think that this was an evil creature! Bent on destruction and mayhem.."
But Ned wasn't looking at the corpse, he was on his knees sulking over something else on the path. "Such a beautiful specimen of volcanic igneous, lovingly polished by nature's winds and rains over the millenia, FOREVER MARRED BY A STINKING HORSESHOE!@#"
Ned sniffled and poked at the pebble,"See the striations caused by hot lava layering over the.. H-hey!! Wait up!"
They continued on silently towards New Rigel. The winds whispered quietly through the mountains as distant birds of prey screeched and cawed. The steady CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP of Thor's hooves set a lazy rhythm, punctuated by the wooden KONK! of the head of Chuck's dangling corpse knocking against rocky potrusions in the path. Horseface began to hum a cheerful Callias tune and before long, Ned had begun to sing.
"In the junng-le, the migh-ty junng-le, the li-on sleeps toniii-" *WHONK!@#* Ned's reveree was quickly silenced as Puttputt dashed under a rocky overhang near the path, smacking him in the forehead and knocking him out cold.
Puttputt snickered to himself happily as they trotted on, Ned slumped forward in the saddle with blood trickling from his forehead. Horseface continued to hum.
The rest of the journey was pretty unventful, save for a bridge spanning a wide chasm in the mountains, where a nasty stone troll had taken up residence to waylay unfortunate travelers.
Ned had valiantly sobbed and pleaded, begging for his life. He offered gold and supplies and trinkets, and in a fit of desparation, special 'services' from Horseface. The last bit got the troll to laughing so hard that it fell backwards clutching its gut, which given the stupidity and lack of attentiveness of trolls, happened to be over the lip of the chasm.
It took a long time before the distant impact of the troll at the bottom of the chasm could be heard. Ned glanced sheepishly at Horseface, then nervously walked up to the edge and called down,"So is it.. like.. okay if we just go on ahead then?"
Horseface looked regretfully back over her shoulder as they continued on. True, the demise of the troll had saved them, and perhaps would probably save the world.. but.. somewhere.. a creature that size.. must have had a MAGNIFICENT horse!