August is 'Gnome Awareness' month
Posted 25 July 2008 - 03:27 PM
"On clear days like these, people tend to leave their shoes at home and take leisurely strolls through shady meadows or along sandy beaches. They want to enjoy the cool grass beneath their feet or the sand between their toes.. but that's when the incidents happen", warned Dr. Rune, chief advisor to the Royal Medical Council.
Studies show that in fact, gnome-related injuries during the month of August rise to nearly double than that of the next highest month, March (during gnome spawning season). The infection rate also spikes because many people don't even realize they've encountered a gnome.
"The other day, I had an ogre come in with a major infection in his leg. The flesh was nearly all black." says Rune,"When I sat him down and looked at his foot, I found a huge mass of gelatinous gnome between his toes. And the ogre was completely unaware it had been there!"
Dr. Rune reports that there is little that he can do for such an advanced state of infection. "Poor guy ended up with a peg-leg. Well.. It was more of a post than a peg. A post-leg. He was a BIG ogre."
The vast many types of Gnome-transmitted-diseases, or GTD's, are only surpassed in their number by the severe gruesomeness of their symptoms. Many victims are left disfigured and shunned in their own communities, becoming outcasts, pariahs, or possibly bards.
"Take care you keep an eye on the paths you walk when not wearing a sturdy, thick-souled pair of boots. Gnomes tend to pop out of the ground at the most inopportune times", advises one mender at the Rune Clinic.
"And give your shoes a good shaking out before you put them on in the morning. Gnomes LOVE to secretly cobble and have been known to nod off from time to time if the insole is particularly soft."
People suspecting that they may have been infected by a gnome are urged to panic and seek medical help immediately. Any open wounds resulting from a gnome-encounter should be thoroughly cleaned and checked for earthworms. Early symptoms of gnome-infection include dry-mouth, a sense of listlessness, severe earache, and a sudden compulsive craving for turnips.
"With a few simple precautions, everyone can have a safe, accident-free summer, where we can all get out and enjoy ourselves." explains Dr. Rune. "That is, until Dwarf Awareness Month rolls around. Gods help us."
Posted 26 July 2008 - 11:05 PM
"Blkrrrrkhzzzzzzfthgqwch!" he said.
"Blrzzzztfghqwch!" "Frrrrnghht fwprtqt frgm ghqqqft rgfhjt!"
I was only getting more confused.
Taking out my trusty gnome translation dictionary, which I happened to have to hand, I began poring through it.
Understanding dawned, and I began to beat him systematically to within an inch of his life. Bliss transformed his features.
"Blrrrrrzhtfgqch", he said, lying in a pool of blood and vomit, before passing out.
Puzzled, and yet curiously content, I went on my way.
Posted 30 July 2008 - 01:45 PM
I shout,"Drat you gnome-varmints!! Don't ya'all have any sense of DECENCY?? You done gone spoiled mah breakfast!"
"And Jed, here.." (Jed's mah huntin dog ya see)"Jed, he's gone plumb blind and gets nightmares that makes him howl a-somethin' awful!"
But they don't care. They jus' go on with their vile show while that crazy coot next door, ol' lady McGee, sits on her rocker makin' a fuss. All cheering them on and throwing money and the like. It ain't right.